I'll be the one true ace

When Roe v. Wade was overturned, I was suddenly brought back to a terrible memory from the happy holidays of 2017, though I wasn’t so happy. When I was being assaulted, I remember thinking to myself ‘Just let him win, you need to survive. You can get an abortion if your birth control doesn’t work.’

I got away, but I still think about what if he had been more successful. What if, while I was kneeling over the footrest, laughing because I couldn’t believe I was in this situation, what if he had won? I laid in my bathtub for hours after, listening to my best friend talk to me about anything..

I kept my birth control much longer than I needed to, simply because of that fear of what could have happened. I gained over 100 pounds from it, it had been so bad for me. But I held onto it.

In 2022, when it was time for a new Nexplanon, I decided to just have it taken out and not be on birth control so I could try to get my life back on track.

A month later, Roe v. Wade was overturned, and I wept. Immediately after the turnover, political talks came up about banning birth control as well, which is currently being debated in Florida; other states are likely soon to follow. The fetal heartbeat bill passed in Iowa, and some other states outright banned abortion. This last year has been full of flashbacks of that frightening night in 2017, and what I would do if that night was here in 2023.

I never wanted to have my own biological children, the genes I carry being too much of a burden, the world a burning canopy of misery in my eyes. I also never wanted the guilt of an abortion on my heart. I had wanted to sterilize myself when I was very young, since I was 14, but I wasn’t allowed. I tried again when I was 20, again I was denied.

Finally, at the age of 27, I’ve finally gotten what I wanted. I’ve finally become sterilized, my womb shall be barren for as long as I wish it to be. I will never have to worry about what could happen. I will never have to worry about being forced to carry to term. I will never have to worry if my access to healthcare is denied.

For many people, the desire to carry a baby and have healthy children is a goal in their life. Beautiful flowers bloom inside of them, fluttering petals signaling their growth. I don’t really like to think of myself as ‘barren,’ actually. I like to think, instead of bountiful, lovely, growing flowers, I instead grow deadly Bella Donna, twirling and sprouting purple bells, the green vines and petals forming themselves in place of what I am missing.

Funnily enough, Bella Donna is sometimes known as the Devil’s Berries. To some, I am exactly that, a devilish disgrace, not a woman. Well, the real devils played their hands, forcing mine. I won’t apologize for having all of the aces when they have all the kings, and are trying to lock up the queens. I’ll be the one true ace, uncontrollable, and abscond to space, where a part of me remains to be found.

I encourage all others like me, even if you’re on the fence, to sterilize yourself as well, so that you’ll never have to be in a situation where you can’t win unless you die.

Nettie Wildrick

Fort Madison

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